Balance?

Of sorts anyway. Yes, I’m still here. I was able to bounce back after being alone for a month. While alone I went through the stuff dad left me, started going to group therapy I never finished, spent a lot of time just alone in my old place and walking around, remembering the old times. I went on cold turkey about a week after my last entry and I still try to stay clean despite occasional relapses. Like, 2-3 so far. I switched to other substances.

Fighting a whole different war now since I’m off heroin. All the anger issues came back within 2 weeks, I’m restless and unstable. Huge difficulties sleeping. I stay up every second night or more and sleep whenever I feel tired and disturbing thoughts are not keeping me awake. The idea of yet another therapy isn’t appealing but battling them alone is a fight I can’t really win. I still don’t want to tell people – except that I did tell Erin and she was a great help. I knew she had similar troubles in the past but I always thought she’s so strong she just somehow got over it. But talking to her also kinda in a sad way confirmed that we who are sick in this way DO NOT get over it. There’s no cure. We just gotta learn to control our emotions, identify the problem when it starts to crawl out and do something before things get bad.

I could’ve quit. I came back because something inside of me told me to. ‘You can still make it.’ I believe I have as many chances as I give to myself. I started to feel awfully lonely. I missed my home and I missed my baby princess. I wanted to hug her and lift her as high as I can (I’m weak as a wet noodle and she’s getting heavier), and I thought about the coming summer and pool parties and BBQ and seeing friends and Tyson coming back home for summer. And then I decided to try and be strong once again. Went back to work too.

There’s this thing ongoing with Gage and Mark and I still look like I got rolled over by a M1 Abrams. Gladly Miah wasn’t really scared. Daddy got a boo boo. Not a big thing. I’m not really into sharing about that right now. Not yet. Still kinda baffled by what Mark did. He wanted me to do some recon with him a week ago. It was all a bit weird. I’m more used to him just hating me. Anyway, I’m kinda thrilled too. I really like Gage and ‘his way’ of doing things, despite the fucker tasing my soles. Who the fuck does that kind of creepy shit? I’m not seeing him in a while now cause I’m planning Miah’s second birthday party and I want all this to heal properly.

Anyway, I actually wanted to tell about the party and my stuff really has no place in this blog but I kept the bad stuff out. Just, like, a small update on what’s been going on.

I was seeing my dealer and found out that Heaven8 is back. It was gone for several years since the main producer got busted and nobody was willing to pick up that risky operation. Now someone has and they’re back on their feet and building a new network. It isn’t released yet but I got samples. Some changes were done to the formula and my guess is that they’re gonna release a whole palette at some point. Well, this is where I got the party idea. Sounds like a disaster for kids’ party, right? No worries, it isn’t.

Imagine, if you like, a lush tropical garden on clouds. Narrow stairs lead up to the sky and through a gate of roses. White, sparkling, fluffy clouds surround the garden. The air is full of freshness of exotic flowers and the heavenly breeze is cool and soothing. Behind the garden there’s a heavenly palace made of white rock, and pools of clear blue water under orchards of trees. Clouds and flowers float on the water and on the bottom of the pool pure jewels can be seen. You walk inmidst all these wonders and then, you see a rainbow. The end of it is near, and as you pass between two big clouds you come to a clearing. White cloud beds and pillows litter the ground, between them rainbow-colored candy canes stick out of the ground. On a royal white table crystal bowls present all the heavenly delights, made for the Princess of the Cloud kingdom. A chime rings and maids bring in a royal birthday cake. There’s music and lights everywhere and the party goes on until the night falls.

You know, a tropical pool party with cloud props and foam. And lots of bling. Erin found a perfect venue, a house that belongs to some of her friends who are currently in France. She could’ve let me use the island again but I didn’t want to repeat. I want something unique every year. June 6th isn’t on weekend so we decided to keep the party on 4th which in Sunday. Miah will get one more present on 6th and some cake if there’s anything left. If not we’ll have some ice cream.

Originally I wanted to only invite close friends but not many have kids. I’ll invite the kids she mostly plays with in daycare, and their parents and siblings. I want everybody to have fun. The “open party” will propably last 6 hours and after the outsiders leave the rest of us will hang out until we get tired.

Apparently I should’ve started to plan this 6 months ago and it’s gonna cost a whole lot more since we’re in hurry. Erin promised to pay for the props and whatever Stella and her party planner friend are charging, and I’ll handle the rest which is mostly materials, equipment and catering. And the foam guy. Hope that house is clean. We’re going to see it this weekend. Nikki is coming to babysit Miah. Said he has a fun and sporty game to encourage her to move.

I wouldn’t say she’s gotten lazy, but… The daycare lady said she’s acting normal and Erin didn’t notice anything, but when I got home from Mark’s place last week I saw that Miah seemed a bit dull. She isn’t her hyperactive self. Could be just because I wasn’t with her for more than 6 weeks and could also be something worse. Her daily rhythm is normal, she eats the same amount and likes the same foods but she plays a lot less, or a lot less active games. She prefers to just sit instead of crawling or walking. Since I’m home we play outside every day and go for walks and she’s pretty much like always during those times, running and laughing and trying to climb on things, but when we get home and I go about my hobbies or chores she sits quietly near me and plays with one toy and I’ve caught her just sitting there doing nothing. I hope it’s just a phase and that she’s doing more thinking and paying attention to her surroundings and playing imagination games but I’m gonna make an appointment to her doctor anyway. In case it isn’t a phase and something’s wrong.

Like always I wanted to add a few pics to the end. Let’s see what I can dig out this time. Got nothing new on PC.

Treats and cats, and here’s one little extra for daddy. :3

 

Clear sky

It’s finally hitting home.

My dad passed away two days ago, early in the morning. He was delivered to hospital a week earlier and we said goodbyes. He knew we wouldn’t see each other anymore. He didn’t want me to see him die. Danny was with him. Danny hates my guts, now more than ever.

Dad got sick end of last year and was diagnosed liver cancer. We thought we had more time.

I don’t know what to think. The stress brought out my worst side and I feel like I’m dying, every night. I hate the nights. Usually I can’t sleep until early morning. How am I supposed to take care of a baby with all this shit falling over me? We’re still in NB, staying in Erin’s house and Chev is here too despite the risk that someone recognizes him. I left them alone today and came to my old apartment. Sully bought it back for me. Need to clear my head. Not to lose it all. Even called my contact at the child care services. This might be the end of this story.

For Miah things have been well but of course she notices that I’m not like I used to be. It’s real hard to hide this level of depression. Kids notice. Whatever you do. They’re smart. She cries more and also has trouble sleeping. The last thing I want is to cause any harm to her but I can’t help these thoughts. And I’m too tired to fight anymore. Erin and Chev are babysitting her now and I wish to come to some solution before going back. I just need to get things back on track somehow. If I only knew how. How to stop being a piece of shit of a person and truly change and be like everyone else and give Miah the life she deserves. If I go on and live the life my way she’ll end up a princess in a tower, surrounded by luxury but deeply broken inside. I’m breaking everything I touch. I corrupt everyone I meet and poison good people. If I was a squeamish little shit I’d blow my brains out but that’s never a solution. More likely avoiding to face the problems and making other people carry them instead. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to change either.

This city is cold. Like me. We have cold hearts and public restroom neon lights shining out of our eyes. We are blood splattered on tiled floors, black trees in winter parks and dead kids in snow. We are hatred and loneliness.

I might not update for a while. I don’t know what will happen to Miah, if I’m capable of further taking care of her. Anyway I will make sure good people will take care of her and love her. I’ll give an update of whatever will happen whenever it happens.

Bye.

 

Work, work, work.

Too much work. My “new” job is more troublesome than I thought. Was able to fit most of it into my schedule though. I’m doing sort of shifts. Few night jobs per week and the rest is traveling around the state taking care of “problems”. I’ve met new people at work, those who don’t belong to our crew. Art broke his arm a month ago and I’ve had a freelancer with me since. He’s interesting. Cool, dark, weird and dangerous. But it feels like he really understands me and likes the same things and wants more than just being a work buddy. 💜?

Miah has gotten used to the daycare and that hyperactivity thing seems to have calmed, for now. She’s got so much to do every day and so many friends to play with that all energy is spent once she gets home. She sleeps better and longer. 16 months next week. Time flies. Shade comes over to babysit her every so often. Miah likes books, singing and playing in water. We play hide and seek with toys and catch outside.

Miah’s nursery came out real nice. One wall is mint green with white forest animals, the opposite wall has white and pink stripes and the two other walls are white with big 3D butterflies. Big fluffy pompoms in pink, grapefruit and peach hang above her crib. She has a dreamcatcher made of white and mint feathers, a princess chandelier with crystals and glass pearls in her favorite colors, a pearl curtain, sleek modern furniture including a new wardrobe and side table with drawers, enough storage for most of her toys and some colorful details to spice it up. Obviously I didn’t do all that myself. Stella made the plans with me and then she and a professional nursery decorator finished the room. I did some painting but mostly just watched and felt useless. The room has a big, fluffy blue carpet with flowers on it. Nice to play on and easy to clean. Some birds and stars hanging from the ceiling and a fiber lamp. They have such a nice, gentle light. Miah also has two nightlights, a purple cat light on a table and then one of those socket lights. She has slept much more peacefully since moving into her own room. 😌

Jay came home a few days ago. Learned his lesson. He was freaked out by those “friends” he lived with. They stole from him, talked him into doing meth, took him on a ride with a stolen car while he was feeling real sick. Well, I have no place for him right now. He’s staying in the guest house until we figure out what to do. He said he’d rather live in Kelly’s house or something. I think this is nothing but a minor setback. As long as I focus on other people I don’t have to think about my own problems…

I was real sick a few weeks ago. Still got an annoying cough. Real bad nightmares, all night every night. Not really inviting to go to sleep. It’s 2.30am and I really should go to bed but on the other hand I’m not even sleepy. Not much.

In a way, I think I’m missing the best years with Miah. She learns new things every day but I can’t keep up. On some days it feels like she has been away for weeks (?) and I suddenly notice many things she didn’t do before. When did she learn to yell no? She’s taking too much from the other kids… She’s only mimicking a word and a sound some frustrated kid is making, there’s no real meaning behind it, but God is it annoying! Then there are people who encourage this type of mimicking aggressive behaviour and think it’s cute. She learns that using this word this particular way will get her positive attention and rewards. Later in life these little mistakes can’t be easily fixed anymore. But I can’t stay with her all day anymore and I certainly can’t abandon my job. Maybe I should just find a daycare with actually qualified personnel…

Well, I have the weekend off and we should have some family time the three of us. Go to some nice place.

The new furniture is this style, but completely white. There’s also a bed of the same series so I know what to get when Miah grows out of her crib. ^.^

Japanese cat candy. :3

My dream bedroom…

Cool jacket. ^.^

A man on the ledge

No big news. Just wanted to tell that Miah started in daycare yesterday since I was transferred into another group at work. I’m no longer training at Area 44 but a secure building up north and it takes more time to get there and I got more stuff to do at daytime. Mark is back and seems to have taken care of those problems he had. He’s on a good mood even. I’m still working with Art and Kenny but the biggest change are daytime op’s. There’s gonna be some traveling too I was told.

The daycare is good. I’m now alone with Miah and she’s far too social to be isolated at home, and we drive each other nuts lately. She has grown into a fine little girl with a strong personality. I can never produce enough activities on my own to keep her busy. And I need my own time.

I’ve dug deep into the internet trying to find the coolest clothes for her – that are not red. Jeez. She just hates that color. Yesterday at the daycare she refused to drink juice from a red mug. And there are always those people who try to force red on girls and blue on boys… At least pink is still fine. Orange is a no-go. We were seeing a doctor last week to have Miah’s eyes and ears checked. She had a slight cough but nothing some good old nature medicine couldn’t handle. She is almost hyperactive on most days and would stay up much longer than what is healthy. I’m pretty worried because her bad start in life. Drugs are bad for a baby and there are alarming signs in her behavior. Right now she only goes to daycare half a day and I keep a strict routine of ‘calm down’ times throughout the day. Often against her will. I’m somewhat in a bind since Miah would like to be more active and she isn’t tired enough in the evening and often refuses meals too. How can I work more in this situation?

When Tyson left for school Miah looked for him many days, called his name and cried when he didn’t come. That was one reason for putting her in daycare with many kids. Friends, learning social skills and getting a bit used to not always getting her way in everything. I can’t teach her social skills. The older she gets the more troublesome things will be for me.

Anyway. I’ve been seeing Shade and Pyro regularly, sometimes at the same time. Seen Brad and Chris too but not so much. Despite having a schedule and keeping up with the baby care I’m sinking back into the drug hole. It’s a stress reliever. Thing to do with friends (maybe I should get me better friends?).  Thing to do alone while sitting at home and thinking dark thoughts. I have no intent on changing myself. It’s fine this way. This is me. This is what I want to be.

I can’t forever fit this kind of lifestyle into being a good dad and taking good care of my kids. The time will come when I’ll go my own way. I live one day at time with no larger plan for my own future. I try to save money for the kids’ future and give them a good start but I still know that sooner or later I will leave them. Now that it’s just me and Miah here I’ve started to realize that one day I might have to give her away. Before she moves out herself. Before… Yeah, before she gets to see my dark side.

I wanted to save her. If saving her from me means that I will give her away then it shall be. Promises are meant to be broken.

Kinda sad. Well, I committed myself to this… Project baby. I propably didn’t realize that a baby is a person. Project baby also means raising a person. Something that takes years. Binding myself to someone for the rest of my life has never been my thing but with kids it’s exactly that. I’m still convinced that my motivation with Miah was to save her and give her a good home. Even if I’m a bad person. I believed that somehow I’d find a way to make it work. Not so sure anymore. One day she will tell her friends that her daddy uses drugs and hurts other people for living. One day she sits in her room smoking cigarettes and playing with a loaded gun. There are so many ways this ‘project baby’ can go wrong. Maybe I’m just scared of responsibility. I don’t want her to end up the same way than me and the boys. I don’t want her to feel hurt, desperate and anxious, tired of life with no view of future.

She’s asleep now safe and sound in her crib. The nursery makeover is coming in a few weeks and we’ll have a little party to celebrate Miah getting her own room. I’ve moved Jay’s stuff away. We have a new big fridge. I’m having the living room and my bedroom overhauled too. The facade still stands. It’s just me who crumbles.

The egg incident

Today, like every morning for a while now, I got to have the same boring conversation with Tyson. About the scrambled eggs we often eat for breakfast. See, I want my damn eggs clean. And Tyson thinks I’m obsessing over nothing. “There’s nothing weird in them.” “Eggs always look like that.” He tells me I’m picking on the eggs for half an hour and pulling out imaginary shit. No man, eggs weren’t like that a year ago! I used to just hit them into the pan and cook them and be done with those forsaken things, but since about ten months or a year there are these stringy tails on every yolk, one on each side. They look disgusting. I can’t eat shit like that. So, before throwing them into the pan I carefully separate these tails with chopsticks (the best tool known to man). Tyson has the persisting opinion that I’m wasting eggwhite and that these stringy things don’t exist.

But how does he explain that not every egg has them? Average every 1 out of 10 is clean. No strings. I’m not eating the umbilical cords of stillborn chicks. No. Way.

The fight’s over for today. I am obsessive from nature and some little things disturb me. Especially on rehab. I hope I get over the egg issue eventually. That, or the eggs get better. I hate to argue over this. I don’t wanna be the crazy dad obsessed with egg tails. Argh.

Not much news. That song reminds me of my youth. Also I got reminded of my youth a less positive way when someone pointed out my old tattoos. Yeah, daddy got some memories from jail. That was a long time ago. Got a blue faded tree of life on one arm and a blue faded pretty boy on another, a badly damaged ‘Hellraiser’ with two skulls on my shoulder blades and a shackle on my right ankle. I was going to get a tattoo of Silver Scythe before it broke and after that it has been a money issue. Been planning a new one for years. Maybe next year?

Why didn’t that person point out all these scars? Got cutting scars, been shot, stabbed, cut in a fight, scratched by a cat… My skin is damaged all over and my left arm still looks like a pin cushion. I’m scratching myself again like a dog with fleas.

Getting really tired. Been up all night playing Fallout 4 and doing some research. Time for a nap? These yawns are gonna break my mouth. WordPress is giving constant virus alarms. Miah was awake at night, guess she’s gonna sleep a little while longer. Me too.

Emptiness stings

Jay is gone. Left on Wednesday evening.

I tried my best to friendly warn him about all the stuff that could happen if he goes “MIA”. But… Well, he’s a kid. Too much craziness in him right now. Since my consent is needed for him to move out I got some advice from my contact person at CPS, and in the end whatever Jay would do, an adult would be monitoring him, either it’s me or a social worker, and he decided to cut contact to prevent being controlled. He left his phone and switched to a prepaid, and due to my advice left all expensive stuff here until he’s able to find a safe home and a steady job. I got his number but I think he’ll switch it soon. He has mine and promised to stay in touch. It’s not really official though as I will have to handle serious consequences if it’s discovered that I supported his actions. All I know now is that he’s living with two buddies he knows from school. He texted me yesterday that he has settled and has his own room and he’d like to bring his computer there. I said no. It’s not a secure neighborhood and I don’t trust his friends. I just want to spare him from being stabbed in the back. Like, someone stealing his stuff and selling it to buy drugs. Things like that are common. He wanted it this way, he’ll have to deal with it. They have a Playstation 3, he should just learn to use it and quit complaining.

We moved his stuff in the basement and currently his room is Miah’s play room and storage for toys and clothes. I’ve been up again tonight watching movies and doing some thinking. Tyson got bitten by something and I had to set a few traps to figure out if we have fire ants or other shit like that. The bite looked similar but wasn’t as bad. Small fire ant? IDK. Hope some of them get stuck in the glue traps. Playing in the grass not allowed for Miah until this is clear.

Tyson actually wants to go back to work for Kelly. He suffered a lot from what happened with Shade, but since Shade has to move out (Kelly gave him the boot) there’s no danger anymore.

Yeah, Shade was here last weekend. I went to pick him up and told him to behave. Saw Brad on the way and adviced him to kick his son’s ass for me… But he’s soft as always and just tried to find an excuse why Chris is the way he is. Anyway, all went well. Or better than I thought. We had dinner outside and a little pool party. Shade isn’t too shy about getting naked and he looks pretty scary, all scarred and with new and fading bruises. I told him to keep a shirt on at first since it’s been years since Jay and Tyson last saw him but in the end they didn’t care much. And Miah didn’t even notice. She loves swimming and water. And she loves people, no matter how they look like.

It felt weird to me have Shade with us, smiling and playing, and watching him reminded me a lot of Pyro. I wish that now that Jay moved out I could spend more time with Pyro again. I miss him. I miss the fire in him. That special glow in his eyes and the crazy grin. He’s not a family person so when Miah came to my life he made himself scarce. Maybe… Kinda guilty thought but maybe I could see Shade more often too. When Tyson moves out in a month or so. On these moments when I’m alone and Miah is asleep or when she’s at the babysitter’s, I start to feel like before, I start wanting a relationship in my life. Watching Shade felt weird cause with all those scars and injuries he’s still goddamn hot. I have avoided him for a reason but now I start to think maybe I avoided him to avoid feeling this way? Maybe I focused solely on Miah for a whole year because I felt guilty of wanting something I threw away myself. On some rare moments I even think me and Shade should get back together. That I’m healed now and we should live together. Still not right. Cause I’ve never been able to live in a monogamic relationship. If I’m forced to that I get really nasty. I get sick. When I was with Shade I was seeing other guys all the time. He was okay with it. For Pyro it was a problem and I quit it for him. Maybe that one or another restraining order had something to do with it too…

I’ve been a fucking mess for so long. Until my little princess came and saved me.

We’ve been able to get along with the old fridge but I still think I should buy a new one. Gotta do some work before that. Since Mark is “on leave” for an undetermined time we got a new instructor who’s gonna pull a sneak drill in the mountains soon. I have no date yet. So far all he does is gather information about everyone. He wanted me to act as his “eye on the field” but I’m not comfortable ratting out my team mates. I know we all have our troubles and there are minor fights and I try my best to piss off Colin, but it’s none of this new guy’s business. He’s not one of us. I did some training on Thursday to get my thoughts away from Jay, that’s when I saw him. We’re getting a new security system at the range. In a few weeks only people with keycards will be able to enter the bunker and the outside area will be fenced. Apparently there’s too much traffic. Heard there’ll be three levels of keycards depending on what areas everyone will have to access while training. Everyone I work with will get second level badges, including me. If I was to become Raven’s little helper I’d get a third level badge and access to control room etc. I’d still say no. Fucker can’t force me.

Now I just can’t stop thinking about Shade. Damn. This might also be coming since I’ve been battling the addiction on my own and dropping the dose reminds me of the main reason I kept up the habit. To stay calm. Get rid of the uncontrollable aggression and unnatural cravings. I used to do real bad things to people. Every time I cut the dose I start feeling those feelings again. I get angry easily. I look at people with the eyes of a predator, in many cases a sexual predator. I can’t control it. Not like I’m doing anything since I’m busy raising a baby and she calms me down, but knowing myself and my background I’m gonna fall down to that hole again soon.

I’d hurt Shade. I’d hurt Chris and Pyro too. I yearn to meet Lee and Ryan and greet them with my fist. I try to piss off Colin to get him go kaboom and kick my ass. I have a shit attitude whenever at work.  All of it is coming back. Not really encouraging. Biggest problem is that I want it all back. It’s a drug too. Whenever I think back at my violent past I forget about Miah and my responsibilities. I can sit right next to her and blank out for twenty minutes. I really, really don’t want anything bad happening to her because of this. Or do I? She’s my precious little daughter. I don’t want to lose her. On some moments I almost believe I could hurt her too. It’s scary. Even more scary is the fact that I don’t react to this danger. I feel nothing. I understand all this and the danger and my problem on an intellectual level but there’s no feeling. Last time it was like this was on the second day of Miah’s life. When I thought about leaving her and her mother to die. Out of curiosity. Because it’d be fun to ruin their life. During the past year I have been a different person but as it seems nothing lasts forever and I’m becoming my old cruel self again. *sigh*

Have to stop. Getting stressed out thinking all this stuff. Should go and do something fun before I start hearing waking baby sounds. *yawn*

Giving up does not mean failing

After long contemplating and pushing and pulling myself from one decision to another I got to the point where I’m going to let Jay go. This is going to affect the whole family. At this moment he’ll have to repeat the last year in highschool second time. He’s got no motivation for it and he’s begging me to let him move out. He doesn’t know where he’s gonna go, but he says he’s gonna find a job, a place to stay, and live his own life. Figure it out himself.

And it’s okay that way. He’s so much like me. So much like Shade too. Living together so long transferred my traits into those two. I understand Jay’s point completely and letting him go doesn’t mean he’s got no home to come back to. He always has a home and a family and when he’s old enough he will understand. But just now he needs to make his own mistakes. When he’s ready to accept help and support I’m here for him. I had wished we could defuse the situation some other way. I had wished a better education for him. I was a highschool drop-out too. Its not easy that way. My wish is that he does actually get a job and not go for a criminal career like I did. When I was at his age I did everything wrong. Criminal record of the length of a mile, gang activity, hate crimes etc. I killed a man on my 15th birthday. At least Jay was spared of stuff that bad. All he does is shoplifting, some fighting and painting graffiti. Kids’ stuff. He’s still a kid. I was forced to grow up too soon, so I wanted to keep Jay at home until he goes to college but since its not happening I’m using the money I had put aside to pay classic art and piano lessons for Tyson. To give him a good start.

He had to quit the job at Kelly’s place since he kept running into Shade and Chris. Last Sunday they gave him some party drugs and had sex with him. He was not ok on Monday so I made him tell what happened and he just broke into tears. He was so ashamed and felt guilty for taking those pills. Kids. Mistakes. He doesn’t want them punished but I don’t want this happening ever again. I’ll beat Chris up later cause that works with him, he’ll quit selling my boys drugs if I tell him so with my fist. He won’t listen to talk. With Shade I have to go all tactical. In a twisted way I’m looking forward to it.

On Monday we were on a walk in a park. With balloons and party hats. Stella came with us and people thought we’re a couple. LOL. I used the opportunity to fix Miah’s color red dislike. Well, it’s not completely gone yet. But showing her the flag, counting the stars with her, showing that the stripes are like striped candy, telling her that the red is a good color because it’s in the flag, and that on 4th of July all the balloons are red, white and blue because of the flag and that they are the colors of our country and that daddy is very proud and thankful to those who keep our country safe and free – I think there was a slight change. Because dad’s not here we visited a retirement home for veterans with no relatives close. I think we should do that more often. It was sad to see that even when volunteers were there to talk to the vets very few kids had come with their parents. The moment you see someone’s eyes lit up just because they have a little girl sitting on their lap or walking with them is priceless. Those men gave their all to keep us safe. Their own relatives didn’t come and I know that keeps breaking their hearts over and over again. Miah doesn’t care who you are. Her love is unconditional and she will play with you regardless of your missing limbs or eyesight. 💞

Today I cooked a massive amount of chilli. There was a briefing about some training in the evening. Mark is on a timeout of an unknown length so we got a new supervisor for the “non-violent infiltration” or whatever the fuck it was called. Simply put, sneaking skills. That dude looks like a nerd, glasses, thin as a noodle. Calls himself Raven. I got into an argument with Colin and left early. Tyson had fed Miah but she wouldn’t go to sleep without me being at her side. Afterwards I watched some tv and Tyson read some math book. I didn’t understand a damn thing about it. He went to sleep at midnight but here I’m still writing with 2 fingers half past 1 am.

Weather is windy. Makes me restless.

 

A boy who didn’t want to grow up

And what’s he gotta do with our family.

Once upon a time daddy lived in a cold and dark place far, far away. Daddy was very unhappy and to cheer himself up he did all kinds of crazy things. He ate things he shouldn’t have. He climbed to places that belonged to other people. He took their stuff too. But all of it didn’t make him happier.

One summer’s night daddy found a big house that was not complete. It was missing all windows. It was a big and high house and daddy saw a boy sitting on a balcony high up. Daddy thought, “what is he doing up there? It’s dangerous.” So daddy climbed up there himself to make sure the boy was safe. When he got up he was so tired of the climbing that he had to sit down and drink something. Together they sat there for a long time and watched over the city. And daddy learned that the boy too was very unhappy. And just like daddy, the boy did all kinds of crazy things to feel better.

Nobody was taking care of the boy so daddy decided to take him away to a warm and happy place by the big sea. They lived together a long time and daddy got happier, but the boy didn’t. Nothing could cheer him up and his heart was hurting very much.

One day, a little boy called Jay came to live with them. On another day, a boy called Tyson came and joined the family. Daddy was trying to take good care of everyone, but daddy was still young and he made mistakes. All the people make mistakes when they are young. Daddy’s mistakes were so big he lost his boys, his home and everything dear to him. Daddy had to go to a prison. It’s a place where people have to go when they do big, crazy things and big mistakes. Daddy learned his lesson and came back to his family and his beautiful baby daughter, Miah.

But that unhappy boy he had loved so much had left. See, that boy didn’t want to grow up. He thought being adult means you become mean and do bad things to other people like his mommy and daddy did. He decided he would never become an adult. So even when his body grew up his mind was still a child. Until today he is still a child inside, and without knowing it he has become one of those bad people who hurt others. He has become what he tried so hard to avoid. It’s not his fault. He just doesn’t know what real love is. That’s why daddy wanted to find him and show him what real love is.

That’s why this unhappy boy is coming to see us. We will eat together, play together and laugh together. The unhappy boy will get to see how happy daddy is with his family. Then maybe he will understand, and maybe he will want to grow up after all. Because you can only become truly happy when you accept life and accept change.

(I’m no big storyteller but I’ve had to figure out how to tell Miah about things she’s too young to understand, in a way that will not scare her. So, I’m telling her about my past and my friends this way and getting her used to words other people might use and which might scare her when said in negative voice. If she knows them it might be easier. She doesn’t need to understand the meaning, she’s wayyy too young. We have to be careful not to fight or yell at each other or do things that make her feel insecure. Distraction works great since she’s a very active baby and interested in pretty much everything she sees.

Tyson had a nervous breakdown yesterday. Luckily Stella was here and fed Miah and put her to bed while I was comforting Tyson. He’s overwhelmed by the idea of moving out and living at the campus. He saw Shade at Kelly’s place and did something unbelievably stupid, but he’s just a teenager and I won’t stop loving and caring for him because he makes mistakes. That’s why I decided to take the gentle approach on Shade and the fact he’s becoming a threat to everyone who knows him. I admit I feel responsible since he only got this bad because I broke up with him. He’s out of control. I hope that getting some family love – the real kind, not some sexual substitute love he’s showering himself with – will at least make him think a little bit. And seeing him will give me a better picture of what I’m dealing with. I’ve only tried to avoid him so far, which clearly isn’t working.

Well it’s past bedtime for Miah and she’s sleeping on the couch next to me. She won’t love it to be woken up and dressed for bed. She might say no to her bottle too, which means she gets hungry at night. Got only myself to blame. It takes forever to write with just two fingers. Should’ve done the evening routines first.)

The beauty and the feast

That’s the right word. Right there. The party was on Monday and I’m still full. Got sick last week, spent last Sunday in hospital and had to cancel Monday’s appointment. Erin wanted to plan the party. I let her. It’s always the best to let her do what she wants. She hired a party service specialized in kids’ birthdays who did the decoration and after consulting all the invited guests she hired another party service to prepare the food. We had a lot of different allergies/diets in the lot of us but the professionals made sure everyone had enough to eat and drink and for dessert. Guess everyone ate too much cause it was a hell lot of food and almost everything was gone by the end of the party. Everyone was given a doggy bag too and a small gift as thanks for coming.

We invited pretty much everyone we know and baby Brian and his parents and those two girls Miah always plays with at the babysitter’s, and their families of course, and the babysitter who could not come (evening class), etc. Not everyone came. Baby Brian came with his mom but his dad was with his family planning his sister’s funeral. I’m glad they still came. She looked like she really needed to get out of the house. Brian has a nut allergy. The girls ate peanut butter cupcakes and it was the first time Miah had that stuff. I can’t have it in my house because it’s deadly to me. Brian wanted those too but he just needed another nut hater to tell him those are monster cupcakes and taste really bad…

I’m not really convinced I should have given Miah all that stuff I let her eat. She had a small piece of her birthday cake too. It was a princess bunny cake and she can now say ‘bunny’ and I still have some of her clothes waiting to be washed. Cupcake icing, jam, sand, mud, red wine from daddy’s glass, chocolate.

The ‘reception’ was at the private yacht pier (there was some decoration at the parking place and every guest received a tag in case they’d get lost), adults had champagne and kids old enough got lollipops. Babies got nothing. Then everyone got on board of one of the bigger ships and we sailed to Erin’s private island. A place to chage diapers and put babies to sleep was set in the lounge of the second tower but the party area was in the garden in the middle. People were warned about the beach. It’s unsafe cause it’s an artificial island. But everyone stayed on the marked paths. My little princess was – at least for me – the center of the event. Everything was as close to perfection as possible. Just kept telling people my sniffing and coughing is not contagious. Some were worried. But Miah didn’t get it last week and neither of the boys. I was told at some point of the evening that I should spend some time with the adults too. I was so much in the haze of the fact that Miah has been in my life for one whole year and that tiny pale bundle has grown to a happy and active toddler. When it got dark the garden lit up with colorful sparkling lights and the cake was brought in, and after eating a baby’s amount there were fireworks. They were sent from another ship behind the island to keep the noise to a minimum. The guests were invited for a magical walk around the island to discover fragrant flowers and hidden ponds and tiny waterfalls and magical sounds. After that it was time for the youngest ones to go to bed and the guests started leaving. We stayed overnight and unwrapped the presents on Tuesday morning. This all cost me nothing which makes me a bit ashamed cause I know it wasn’t cheap.

I haven’t been to the island in ages so it was nice Erin chose that as the venue. It was nice to see that she had had that garden made in the previously empty middle. She told me she wants to spend more time there and we could go together again soon. That would be nice. After the party I’ve been planning Miah’s nursery and Tyson moved to live in Kelly’s house for summer, as a training of being away from home. He’s helping Kelly’s housekeeper and his wife, doing secretary work of some sort. Last time I heard they made him calculate the cost of the two pools. He calls me every day just to say he misses being at home, but that it’s nice to have his own room and the house is quiet.

To the rest of us life’s been back to usual. I’m still sick and work is troublesome. I don’t get it why I seem to be the only person to realize they are doing a huge mistake just because something spooked Mark. Anyway, I’m off that mission whatever Kelly might say. Doing that is a suicide. Kelly and Mark should talk about it cause as I see it Mark’s out of control and making bad decisions. Sigh. That’s been causing me quite the stress this week.

Well, gotta go. Just post some ideas to the nursery.

That’s it. Getting late but I think I’ll watch some tv and have a drink. Miah has not made any noise since I put her to bed. I should draw a plan for the nursery. Stella was here on short holiday last week and asked if she should take care of it, being the designer and everything, but I want to do it alone. She might have to help me put wallpapers and paint cause I know nothing about that. She had some trouble at work too. She’s building a house for a good client in Switzerland and they had some bitch ass neighbors making baseless complaints. She said she just had to get the fuck out of there. But overseeing the project she has to deal with possible complaints. No-one can live in a house that the neighbors hate.

Cute baby stuff

As promised, a few cute pics. I try to keep it short. Tired, need my rest. Ran out of some meds again and tomorrow’s gonna be a busy day. At the moment, Miah likes blue and yellow, aqua and teal are fine and lilac and shades of light green. My color likes shift sometimes too, except I prefer less glitter. Miah is my little glitter girl. 💜

Finishing with few kitties and something cool for daddy. 😁🐱🐾🍹🍤